Letting Go of the Fantasy, Reclaiming Yourself
Disclaimer: This post is meant for emotional reflection and healing. It is not a substitute for professional advice. If you're struggling with mental health or relational trauma, please reach out to a licensed therapist or counselor.
The Grief of Loving Someone Who Couldn't Stay
Loving someone with an avoidant attachment style can feel like trying to hold water in your hands. Just when you feel close, they slip away. You may find yourself replaying moments, wondering what you did wrong—or worse, what you could’ve done better to keep them.
But the truth is: their inability to connect deeply isn’t a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of their fear of closeness—and your longing to feel chosen.
Why It Hurts So Much
Avoidants often seem charming, emotionally deep, and even spiritual at first. They may open up briefly, giving you glimpses of intimacy, only to retreat without warning.
For someone with an anxious attachment style, this inconsistency feels like emotional whiplash. You crave connection, and they fear it.
It becomes a cycle of:
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Chasing
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Hoping
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Blaming yourself
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Then feeling abandoned again
Healing starts when you break the cycle internally, even if they never change.
5 Steps to Heal from Loving an Avoidant
🌱 1. Acknowledge the Pattern—Not Just the Person
It’s easy to fixate on them, but this is deeper than one relationship. This is about your nervous system, your attachment wounds, and your unmet inner child’s needs. Own your part with compassion.
✂️ 2. Release the Fantasy
You may be grieving not just a person—but a dream:
“That one day, they'll choose me.”
“That one day, they’ll come back and be ready.”
Letting go of the fantasy is the hardest part, but it’s also what frees your heart.
🪞 3. Turn the Mirror Inward
Ask:
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What was I really needing?
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When did I first feel this kind of longing?
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What parts of me have been begging to be seen and loved?
Healing happens in your inner world, not just through closure.
🤍 4. Practice Secure Behaviors (Even When It Hurts)
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Set boundaries
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Don’t chase
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Regulate your emotions
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Stay present with yourself when you feel abandoned
This is how you rewire your attachment style.
💌 5. Remind Yourself: You Are Not Too Much
You are not too emotional, not too sensitive, and not too intense. You are wired for love and connection. You just need to give it first—to yourself.
Final Thoughts: Healing Is Remembering Who You Are
You didn’t lose them. You lost the version of yourself that thought you had to earn love. Now, you're free to find peace within and attract someone who meets you where you are—without running.
You don’t need to chase someone who’s afraid of your heart. You just need to come home to it.
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